Dear Mrs Possum,
I am quite aware that you are a native Australian marsupial and are protected by Federal Law, and yes, your new baby is certainly very cute, but if you don't stop eating all the leaf tips off the Buff Beauty roses in the Side Garden you are going to die. And I mean soon. Painfully and without remorse. And yes, I know that it is illegal, and no, I don't care. Not even a little itty bitty bit.
I have had enough, do you hear, and I won't take it any more. Don't you know how difficult it is to keep plants alive through a drought? Don't you understand how pleased my husband and I are that the ugly side fence is finally clothed in green and that the roses are covered with buds ready to bloom? Don't you look? Do you care about anyone other than yourself?
Have you forgotten that we house you? Feed you? Keep you safe?
Oh no you don't! Don't you go accusing me of being hasty, of acting without thinking. Didn't I replace the Wedding Day rose in the pear tree not once, not twice, but three times because of you? Didn't I carefully wrap it in ugly chicken wire to stop you from loving it to death? Did I say anything to you about that? Did you feel at all concerned for your well being or for that of your family over all those years? Well? Did you? See, didn't think so.
You should now.
Please accept this as an official warning. In writing. With witnesses. Stop eating those roses or you'll be sorry. I am rather partial to possum yarn - haven't you seen my Merinomink jacket up close? I would be pleased to have another, you know.
I mean that.
Yours very sincerely indeed,
PS Same goes for running over our tin roof at night. It was okay when it was only you, but do you and Junior really need to practice your sprints between two and three o'clock every single morning? Couldn't we even come to some arrangement? Like every second weekend and school holidays or something? I could let you know when we are going to be away even, if that would help calm things down and let my daughter get a full night's sleep for a change.
I am not usually a bloodthirsty woman. I can be placated, but the next move is yours.
I recommend that you think very hard about that. And don't take too long about it either.